It’s crazy how quickly we can have a prayer be answered, and immediately move on to the next request—the next thing that we’re worried about. I wanted to take the time to just appreciate and say thanks for all that God did in my last semester, for the way he was working behind the scenes as I worked my butt off, covering every gap of my own inadequacy.
I did a crazy thing last semester and took the maximum possible of units you’re allowed to take in law school—6 classes (4 heavy “bar” courses) in addition to my editorial responsibilities on Law Review. I did this because I had this crazy gut feeling that I needed to go back to D.C. in the spring semester and extern full time. My academic dean advised against this plan, and I distinctly remember a friend asking me if I was “trying to tank my GPA” and I was stressed. The first two weeks of school I wavered constantly, questioning whether I could do it, whether I’d get the right internship, whether my GPA would plummet and I’d lose a clerkship opportunity that I was seeking, etc. I wrote out a list of pros & cons for staying vs. going, and realized that the reasons for staying were all rooted in my own fear. And the verse 2 Timothy 1:7 popped in my mind: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.”
Ultimately, I felt like God made the way for this opportunity, and that I was authorized to walk in it, so I decided that I would not be ruled by the spirit of fear that told me I couldn’t do it and that my inadequacy would ruin everything.
It was a crazy hard semester that I would never choose re-do. There were many points where I just felt so beyond my capacity. And I was. However, what I began to find comfort in was that although I was beyond my capacity, I was never beyond God’s. I never felt this need more heavily than finals week; I am not a crier and found myself in tears several times a day, wondering how I ever thought I could do this and how God could still show up. I kept a constant stream of worship music and just kept repeating, I’m beyond my capacity, but I’m not beyond Yours. Even if I fail, you’ve got me.
And y’all—it was my best semester of all of law school. I checked my grades at work a month or so ago (from an internship that so many dots had to have connected for me to get that it could only have come from God- praise!) and started tearing up and also laughing in the hallway. I definitely looked like a crazy person, but it was the epitome of immeasurably more (Ephesians 3:20). I got an A+ in the class I felt I knew the least in, a grade I had never gotten in a law school class because it is only given to the top score. It felt like sheer insanity, but also I felt so seen and loved in that moment. How like God to show up so big when it makes the least sense, because it’s in those moments that we knew it wasn’t us; that we couldn’t have done it on our own. He took my pleas of literally “please don’t let me fail” and exceeded anything I could have asked for or imagined.
I know prayers don’t always look like this, and that these Ephesians 3:20 moments are few and far between in life, but I want to celebrate them when they happen. Ultimately, grades are something so meaningless, but if He takes time to answer prayers about the little details and show up for the little things that we care about, how much more is He able and willing to take care of the big things.
This has been a mile marker point for me of a time where I chose not to be ruled by a spirit of fear, and trusted God, and could see so tangibly the fruits that came from that. The process was frequently grueling, but at no time was my situation beyond the Lord’s capacity or out of His hands. It’s something I keep going back to as I enter a season where I’m here in D.C. but not quite sure why God made the way for me to be here and I have no idea what is coming next… it’s so easy for me to start to worry about the future. However, when I look back to moments like these, I know that I can trust that God will again make a way, with His wisdom, and work things out for my good and His glory—and that I do not have to let fear of the future rule me.