Unearned grace

There is a part of me that really wants to earn my grace. It’s the prideful part of me that wants to be “like Hey Jesus, look at what a good Christian I’ve been, look at this good deed I did, etc.” and build up a list of credit to somehow justify even a piece of God’s grace and goodness to me. It’s a desire to earn my forgiveness and feel like I truly deserve it-because at my core I struggle to accept that a debt was taken on for me for which I can’t ever repay.

It’s one of the reasons I have such a hard time with the call to “die to yourself” if you want to live in Christ. The Bible is very specific about the word die and uses it in multiple verses. I don’t know about you, but that word makes me want to bolt…I want to push it as far out of sight and mind as possible. Dying to myself goes against my every instinct- I want to build up myself, glorify myself, and make myself as big and great as possible. Dying to myself means dying to my own agenda- it means not taking any glory for myself, it means going directly against my selfish, sinful nature and putting my pride aside. Say what, Jesus? Even further, at times it means letting others take the glory that should have been yours, because you’ve realized that from the start the glory wasn’t ever for you. It’s living out “what would Jesus do” which sounds so nice in theory, but in reality if we’re doing right is something so uncomfortable because it means dying to our own interests.

I’m totally on board with letting my sins and struggles die, I’m like “Jesus yes, I want those things gone and dead” but I’m hesitant to relinquish control of the great parts of my life, the things that I cherish the most and find comfort in. It’s as if I’m saying to Christ- here are the broken pieces of my heart and life, take them and make them new …wait except for this piece and this piece oh and that part of my life too, I want control of those- they’re good how they are.

I am always really convicted when I hear Bethel Music’s song “You Can Have it All.” It reminds me of all of the pieces of my life that I consistently pick back up from the foot of the cross and try (and struggle) to carry on my own. I love the part that says “oh the joy I’ve found, surrendering my crowns at the feet of the King who surrendered everything.”  Even the things I treasure the most in my life- my relationships, my abilities, my security, those things too I have to give to Christ. I’ve found that in the past when I’ve been able let go and give God even the “good” in my life, He has absolutely transformed those areas in ways I never would imagined. It’s funny how we never realize how heavy things actually were till we give them away- that freeing feeling is where the joy comes in.

When we die to ourselves, we can live fully in Christ. Truly living in Christ means trusting him with every part and piece of our lives- nothing is off limits. It means knowing that sometimes even the things we love in our lives will be taken from us and it’s not a punishment for not being good enough or because we did something to make God angry. Sometimes, “God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves.” –John Tada. There is always, always, a greater plan even when we cannot see even the slightest glimmer of hope. Living in Christ is resting in the knowledge that our circumstances and emotions do not reflect the goodness of our God, and that no matter how far we stray or how badly we mess up… we cannot lose God’s grace or lessen his love.

Letting God’s grace cover my life means that I have to let my pride die and accept that there is nothing I can possibly do to earn my forgiveness even though there’s a part of me that so desperately wants to. Working for my forgiveness would mean turning the glory back to me, it would make it something that I deserved when the whole concept of God’s goodness to us is that it is undeserved. Just as my good deeds don’t earn me any favor, my failures will never cause His love to lessen. You cannot change what is infinite and that is the beauty of it all.

It’s such a cool concept that I will never disappoint, let down, or lose Christ’s love for me. Even if I decide right now to completely turn my back on Him, His love will remain there, unwavering and ready for my return. Even when we want Him to, he refuses to let go of us. Love that is unfailing and unwavering is a truth that is sometimes hard to swallow. It is almost uncomfortable to know how great of a debt we owe, and that Jesus tells us “not only will I forgive your debt, but I will take it on myself.” It was paid for us without any terms or conditions, simply out of love. That kind of grace is so wild, astounding, and defies all logic or reason. It’s love lived out and all it takes is me setting aside my pride to live fully in that love.